11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
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Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
[montage of me giving-up]
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
bros in the example zone 😭
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*