Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”

Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

Knock Knock

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720