11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
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Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.