Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread