Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]