11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
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me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.