11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
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*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis