11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
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The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Too easy.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.