Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

Sponch

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

When they try to steal your moment.