Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.