11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
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1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I love it all
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
No one:
London landlords:
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.