11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
