11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Dietest Coke
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
