Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worlds greatest photobomb

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce