Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro