11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
