11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Born to be mild.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
