Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

The old gods are rising again.

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.