11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?