Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend