Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Somewhere in an alternate universe

How to draw a duck

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.