11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
No way!
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title