11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
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same energy
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Well, this is awkward
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.