Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

honey, bring out the fine china.

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

How to woo a woman

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.