Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old