@copymama

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

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@dafloydsta

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

@PoodleSnarf

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

@hippieswordfish

In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man

@xor

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

@FloodyHippie

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

@stevevsninjas

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

@ThePriscilla

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

@AbleLikes

I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste