[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
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Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Cat.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence