[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
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Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.