11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
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NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
I’m not lazy
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
All excellent questions
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car