Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night