11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
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this is the greatest thing ever
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth