11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
