Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Who did it better?

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

If you are reading this then you are reading this

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits