11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican