Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

fixed it

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

me after i passed that state trooper

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

“That’s what” – She