11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
You Might Also Like
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Dead sexy!!
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!