11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
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cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The Weeknd is back
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
