Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

Breaking news:

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.