Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

Gods work.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”