11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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Unimpressed
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry