Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Beauty and the Beast

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

ㅤ

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

Jesus Christ lmao

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!