Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims