Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.