12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
hardest line in real life
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Sorry not sorry.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop