Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Beware…..

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe