12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
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[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that