Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

The Weeknd is back

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.