12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
tis the season
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.