12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
live, laugh, laundry.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.