#SuperBowl
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8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door