Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

quarantine day 3

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.