Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

Sing it!

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”