12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.