12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
You Might Also Like
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Winnipeg!!
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.