Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”