12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
You Might Also Like
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
i- i did not expect this
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white