12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
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My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
me when somebody idk start touching me
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing