12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
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My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Can Happiness buy money?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages