Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.