Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.