My therapist: no one is judging you for doing that
Me: I judge other people for doing that
12 dudes escaped jail by writing a fake cell number on an exit with PEANUT BUTTER and the writers of Prison Break are kicking themselves rn
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The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don’t wear hair to bed.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”