@PhillyCollins10

12 dudes escaped jail by writing a fake cell number on an exit with PEANUT BUTTER and the writers of Prison Break are kicking themselves rn

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@ginnyhogan_

My therapist: no one is judging you for doing that

Me: I judge other people for doing that

@AmishPornStar1

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

@CrazyClarine

After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don’t wear hair to bed.

@T_Bonezzz

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

@frankzulla

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

@TheZachCozad

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

@Sophie2078

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

@TheRealIJM

Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch