12 dudes escaped jail by writing a fake cell number on an exit with PEANUT BUTTER and the writers of Prison Break are kicking themselves rn

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My therapist: no one is judging you for doing that

Me: I judge other people for doing that


The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.


After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don’t wear hair to bed.


If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground


Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.


“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade


Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…


Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch