When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it