Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

🤯🤯🤯

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.