Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

absolute chaos

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

The news

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Oops 🤭

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”