12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)