12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
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me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though