Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Girl, same.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

Squirrels before girls.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”