Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

I saw this ending much differently.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

and now we wait

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.