Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”