12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
You Might Also Like
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
San Francisco has too many rules
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now