Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.