Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

concern

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog