*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no