Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.