Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Room with a view.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”