Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*