Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

ㅤ

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better