Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

“I’m helping” 😅

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded