Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.