Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

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