12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
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[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
This kid is going places
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
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So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
😲 WTF? 😆
