Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

💀💀💀💀

THE AUDACITY. 😤

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary